Quite often I find it really hard to say what's on my mind, especially to people I care about. Although on the surface I seem eternally cheerful and full of confidence, like most people, that's not always entirely true.
At the moment there are a lot of things I want to say to my boyfriend but I can't. I'm afraid he'll think I'm silly, I'm vastly overreacting, I'm nuts or that quite simply I'm not for him.
A large part of me wants him to read this, but I feel like I can write it and share it with you guys pretty safe in the knowledge that he won't.
I don't want this to come across as an attack. I can't stand relationships where anyone thrives on making their loved one feel bad about themselves. That's why I'm going to start by telling you how much I appreciate the lovely things you do for me. I love the fact you text and call me everyday just to see how I am. I love how you send me flowers just because and how you travel all the way to my house and put up with my crazy extended family when you're exhausted after a holiday. It's great waking up curled up next to you and your cute sleepy grumpy face always makes me smile when I'm trying to wake you up.
Sometimes I get really stroppy with you and you don't understand why. Saturday was one of those days. Looking at it in perspective I should be over it by now, but I'm not. It just felt so awful to make an effort to look nice and then you didn't even want to dance with me but you were happy to dance with some (gorgeous) random girl. It felt like such a snub. I know it's selfish but I want to be the only girl you look at, I want to feel like I'm the most special, most fanciable, most lovely girl you know.
I pretend all the flirting with your female friends doesn't bother me, and when I do feel like you love me and you want me it doesn't bother me that much. When I don't feel as wanted it makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. It's probably paranoia but it's hard to think rationally when I feel so low about myself. Sometimes I just need a little reassurance.
I wish I could say all of this out loud to your face, or even that I would have the guts to email this to you but I won't. I don't want the confrontation. I don't want to face the fact that maybe some of the girls you flirt with are more special to you than I am.
Dr Sunshine xXx