Since I started this blog I've made lots of excuses as to why I haven't been updating as much as I used to update the old blog. In fact I half fooled myself that the main reason was how busy I am. The truth is, even when I've been curled up at home, I just haven't had the motivation to blog.
I love blogging. So why did it suddenly feel like a chore?
To be honest, I'm scared.
Since I've started this blog I've been much more open about the fact I blog. My Dad reads it, my boyfriend reads it, my friends read it, for all I know people I work with read it. This petrifies me. I could be totally honest before, opening up about everything without worrying. Now I feel everything I write is superficial rubbish.
I've been worried what people would think if I was honest about sitting in my car and sobbing after a day at work where I stroked a patient's hair as she died? If people would think I'm stupid for feeling physically ill every time I have to look after a patient in the room my Mum died in? If people would judge me for the lack of morals of saving my ash cash for a handbag?
I'm scared about writing about the pressures of living back at home in case it upsets my Dad and scared about writing about having a long distance relationship with someone 16 years my senior just in case it upsets him. In the same way I'm scared about writing all the hundreds of things about the boyfriend that make me smile just in case it comes across as a little bunny-boilerish.
I'm scared about opening up about my hopes and dreams for the future and about my fears and feelings from the past. Blogging really is taking the whole heart-on-your-sleeve thing one step further.
I really have 2 options. Firstly I can man up and face my fears, write from my heart and just deal with the fall out. Secondly I might just have to give up blogging.
I don't know if I'm brave enough for the first, but I really want to try.
Dr Sunshine xXx
It's not compulsory to write EVERYTHING you think or feel down just so the world can look in. nor should you think this is the best way to communicate with The Boy or your Dad. But you knew that.
ReplyDeleteSharing by blogging, I find, is about honesty in what I have learnt or am upset about or looking for discussion over rather than necessarily confessional or revelatory. I write some things so that others can learn more easily than I did, not to teach, not to gain sympathy and not for fame or publicity either. Sometimes writing is catharsis and explanation and resolution but it doesn't have to be published either.
Be yourself but remember you don't chose the audience. You can chose the material.
Well done for your honesty.
ffolliet
I've been worried what people would think if I was honest about sitting in my car and sobbing after a day at work where I stroked a patient's hair as she died?
ReplyDeleteYou're a doctor who cares.
If people would think I'm stupid for feeling physically ill every time I have to look after a patient in the room my Mum died in?
There may be a psychosomatic explanation, but it definitely doesn't make you stupid.
If people would judge me for the lack of morals of saving my ash cash for a handbag?
Ash cash is for food. You're saving your salary for the handbag.
Best ways to face fears is take it one step at at time no? If you're scared of birds & go to a therapist they won't make you hold a bird straight away.
ReplyDeleteStep by step & maybe you'll feel more confident.
take care
xx
Don't give up. I have actually been spurred into thinking about writing a post for the first time in months because I have just had a comment on my last post which was written in September. And there is nothing wrong in saying that you cried, you are human after all, and having to cope with patients in the room in which your Mum died is obviously going to be difficult, but remember that you won't be staying at this hospital for all your career. As to the difficulty of writing about being at home with Papa Sunshine, I am sure that he understands that is a strange situation for you living at home after six years away while you were studying.
ReplyDeleteSo, what you have to do is perhaps write a little less regularly but make those posts really mean something. I look forward to your continued blogging for the foreseeable future. Xx
Hello, I commented on your other blog but I'm not sure if you read that
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, essentially I read all of your last blog and this one in the course of a few days, and it was lovely :)I found it quite inspirational and it made me really excited for (hopefully) going to do medicine
I really really want to encourage you to keep blogging, because honestly you're great at it!
But I understand your need for privacy
Good luck with everything and thank you for sharing your life this far:)
Tanith
P.S. I don't think anyone, ever, would think you were stupid for that
I'm a specialist nurse and I read a selection of healthcare related blogs, a lot written by jaded old cynics with axes to grind but also including students and junior doctors and nurses.
ReplyDeleteI love the enthusiasm and freshness that a new perspective brings and after over 30 yrs in nursing, it reminds me how tough it can be when you start, the necessity to appear confident and in control while often feeling panicked and vulnerable.
You convey that part of your life so well and when I see the F1s/F2s on the wards - I often think of you.
I like reading about patients or colleagues that you have learnt from, good or bad. The personal stuff is your business, not ours :)
Hope you will continue to pop in from time to time :)
That's what I've been thinking about recently.. Being 100% sincere might cause some troubles.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you limit an access to your blog by putting a password?
When I began writing (as a student in PL) I chose to blog only about things related to Medicine and studies, nothing about my personal life. Now I'm about to graduate and clearly I have to move my blog somewhere else and change the address, cause I really want to stay anonymous when I'll blog as a Junior Doctor.
Consider all the options ;) cause I might say that your previous and current blog gave me many clues about becoming and being Junior Doctor in the UK :) thx for that! :)
As a regular reader I've got only admiration for what you do and the blog.
ReplyDeleteStumbling on the blog by chance reminded me of an attitude I used to have but lost somewhere in the corporate machine. I used to work for the police service, despite being in a 'good' job now I miss that 'thank you' or smile offered to me by strangers I had helped, I'm convinced there's no better feeling in the world. Your blog has given me the kick up the arse I needed to realise that.
Much appreciated
The aussie Geologist
I think it is great that you can be honest and write this post knowing some people you love and care for might be reading. It proves you are perfectly normal!
ReplyDelete